What “old person” things do you do?
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1. Driving slowly. I routinely drive the speed limit or below. This is something I started doing to cure my road rage. It worked like a charm, although it drives my wife (a native of San Francisco who routinely drives 10–20 mph above the speed limit) insane, especially on long road trips. Don’t worry, speed demons—I use the slow lane, and make frequent use of turnouts on two-lane highways.
2. Wearing a robe and slippers in the mornings and evenings. Dang comfy, you know. Besides
3. Getting up early. Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. I usually wake up between 6–7 AM, usually closer to 6. I feel like I make a good, productive start to the day and earn my breakfast at 10 AM. Besides, do you know how much reading/Quora-ing/video gaming I can get in before my definitely-not-a-morning-person wife wakes up??
4. Going out to eat on Thursday night. D’you know how nice it is to beat the weekend crowds at your favorite restaurant and then get to stay in and do fun stuff on Friday and Saturday night? Spoiler alert: it’s incredible.
5. Napping. I don’t always have the luxury of an afternoon nap, of course, but ever since I took up being a student and a work-from-home copywriter, I’ve found that I have time in the afternoons for glorious two- or three-hour naps. I have a nice big La-Z-Boy by the window in my study and I’ll stretch out there with my slippers and a book and maybe with a big fluffy blanket and just conk out for a while.
6. Carrying cash. For some reason, paying for something with cash seems to hurt less than paying with a card. You hear enough about identity theft these days to feel a bit skittish about paying for something with anything other than the long green, too. I haven’t stooped to carrying loose change yet, but I’m sure that’s not too far off.
7. Granny-swearing. I actually do say things like “Shoot” and “Dang it” and “Gosh darn it to heck” on a routine basis. Not that a good ’n’ loud GAWD FUCKEN DAMMIT isn’t fun on occasion, but I actually think it’s more amusing—not to mention more polite—to swear like W.C. Fields. “Godfrey Daniel!” or “Mother-of-pearl…”